*THIS POST CONTAINS SENSITIVE AND EXPLICIT LANGUAGE*
Life can throw lots of curve balls at you. You're not always prepared, and you can try to prepare as much as you can, but you won't always get the intended outcome in the end. My outlook on life completely changed after I was diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy in 2016. Ectopic pregnancies account for only 2% of the population, but we exist.
I'm healing every. damn. day. Mother Nature will always be my sanctuary and I'm so thankful to have an abundance of nature surrounding me.
I hope to inspire more ectopic survivors to share their stories, how they grieve, how they heal.
What's next?
So many questions arise in your mind when you are told something is wrong with your body. Is there something wrong? Why are you taking so long? Are you going to tell me if you see the baby or not? Is my baby okay? What? Ectopic pregnancy suspicion? What the hell is an ectopic pregnancy? What do I do? Will I need surgery? Is my baby okay? What the hell is an ectopic pregnancy?
The American Pregnancy Association says "An ectopic pregnancy occurs when the fertilized egg attaches itself in a place other than inside the uterus. Almost all ectopic pregnancies occur in the fallopian tube and are thus sometimes called tubal pregnancies. The fallopian tubes are not designed to hold a growing embryo; thus, the fertilized egg in a tubal pregnancy cannot develop properly and must be treated...immediately. An ectopic pregnancy happens in 1 out of 50 pregnancies."
That was me. September 9th, 2016. One week after my husband and I found out we were expecting. I was that 1 out of 50. That 1-2% of the pregnant women population that experience this type of loss.
What's next?
After the big September 9th scare, I was told to report to the emergency room immediately for further testing. I spent most of the weekend in the hospital being poked, probed, prodded, and questioned. So. Many. Questions. I wasn't even listening. I sobbed. That's all that I could do. I thought how could something like this happen to me. I'm a healthy vessel. What did I do wrong? Why me?
What's next?
On September 11th, I was administered a drug (in a HUGE ASS NEEDLE) called methotrexate. Methotrexate is commonly used for cancer patients during chemotherapy. The dose I received was technically a small dose of chemotherapy. A hue of green/yellow liquid that they inject into your upper ass muscle. Yeah, that muscle. The drug depletes your body of folic acid. You're not allowed to eat leafy greens and other food items that contain folic acid after the drug is administered. Folic acid is essential for the body to make DNA, RNA, and metabolize amino acids which are required for cell division in the gestational sac. Once the drug takes effect, the gestational sac will eventually re-absorb into your body.
The body is a FUCKING MIND BOGGLING VESSEL! Respect it.
What's next?
After the shot is administered, you are required to visit your OB/GYN until your hCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) levels or "pregnancy hormones" resolve back down to 0. I started with a hCG blood level of 1500 mIU/ml (milli-international units per milliliter). A normal pregnancy at 6 weeks (how far along I was) should have upwards of 30,000 mIU/ml. This is what sparked the ectopic pregnancy suspicion. That and they couldn't find anything in my uterus.
Afterwards, I saw my doctor multiple times a week for 3 months. It took 3 months for my pregnancy to "re-absorb" and my hCG levels to fall back to 0. What a crazy term to use for such a loss. Re-absorb. How do you grieve for someone you've never seen, for a being that "re-absorbs" back into your body? It's morbid, I know, but these are the thoughts that raced through my brain 24/7.
What's next?
To commemorate my loss and upcoming what-would-have-been due date (May 12, 2017), I'm spreading awareness. Putting my story out there. I looked hard and long for blog posts, forums, and support during those dark times (those times still exist, by the way). The search was practically a hit and miss. While I did find forums of women supporting each other and sharing their short versions of their stories (most of these forums dated back to the early 2000's), I needed more. I needed reassurance. I needed someone to tell me what their full experience was. How it affected them. How they made it through. How they moved on. I am so thankful to have had my husband and extended family's support throughout this awful time. I was vulnerable- and that's okay. That's what your people are for. Love them. Support them and expect it back twofold, especially during hard times.
What's next?
If you suspect you are pregnant and have any symptoms, call your doctor immediately! Ectopic pregnancies can be life threatening!
I was fortunate enough to get an early appointment scheduled after having symptoms (vaginal bleeding, cramping on one side of my body, and general fatigue). Talk to your doctor, they are there for you and your health. I'm so thankful for the very wonderful OB/GYN medical group at Mission Hospital OB/GYN in Mission Viejo, Ca. They took care of me and became people I could put my trust into.
My husband and I plan to try to conceive (TTC) again in the future and we will put all of our trust into the same medical group. Unfortunately, after an ectopic pregnancy, expect that it can happen again. I'm 10-15% more likely to have another ectopic because of the damage it can cause to your Fallopian tubes. I'm constantly afraid of that statistic. If I was a measly 2% of the population, what makes me think that 10% is any better?!?!?! The fact is, I don't know what to expect- and that's okay. I've learned through this experience that I can't control my entire life. I have to let go of some things. I have to put trust in others to help and support. I cannot expect to ever have a "normal" pregnancy experience.
If I do (and I plan to) have another pregnancy, I will have to be monitored from very early on to make sure the pregnancy goes well. I might even have to try different options for pregnancy including IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). It's terrifying, but it's worth it.
I've always wanted to be a mother. I am on my healing journey now and expect to try again at some point. This is only a speed bump.
What's next?
Do your research if you suspect you're pregnant. See your doctor if you're feeling unsure. Trust your instincts. Know your body. Trust your body. Love your body for all of its mistakes, flaws, and hardships. Forgive your body. It is only human.
We're all only human.
Being outdoors and staying active has helped me to decompress and de-stress. I suggest finding a hobby, going outside for a walk/hike, taking a class, seeking therapy- do what you need to do to keep moving forward in life. Life can take its turns here and there, but remember that you're not alone.
Love your people. Love yourself.
Trust what's next.
